Teaching Emotional Regulation as Imperfect Parents
As parents, we all want to help our children manage their big emotions, but the truth is—we’re still learning to manage our own! We are not perfect, and that’s okay. Teaching emotional regulation isn’t about being calm all the time; it’s about showing our children how to navigate emotions in real, messy, and meaningful ways.
Here’s how we can guide our little ones in emotional regulation while embracing our imperfections:
1. Model Emotional Regulation in Everyday Moments
Children learn by watching us. If we react to stress with frustration, they absorb that. If we take a deep breath and respond calmly (even if it takes a moment), they learn that too. The goal isn’t to never get upset—it’s to show them what to do when we do.
Try this:
Instead of snapping when feeling overwhelmed, say, "Mummy is feeling frustrated. I need to take a deep breath before I respond."
If you raise your voice, model repair by saying, "I was feeling upset, and I shouted. That wasn’t kind. I’m sorry. Next time, I will try to pause first."
2. Name and Validate Emotions (For Them and Ourselves!)
Young children often struggle to identify their feelings. By naming emotions—both theirs and ours—we help them build emotional awareness.
Try this:
"You look really frustrated that your tower fell. That’s tough!"
"I feel tired today, and that makes me a little impatient. I think I need a short rest."
By acknowledging our own feelings, we also show them that emotions are normal, not something to be ashamed of.
3. Create a Calm-Down Toolbox
When emotions run high, having a few go-to strategies can help children self-regulate. But the key? Practicing these when they are calm!
Ideas for a calm-down toolbox:
Deep breaths (pretend to blow out candles or smell a flower)
A "safe space" with pillows and a favourite stuffed toy
Simple movement (jumping jacks, stretching, shaking arms)
Drawing or scribbling feelings out
And when we feel overwhelmed, we can say, "I need a moment to calm down. Let’s take deep breaths together."
4. Use Play to Teach Emotional Regulation
Children process emotions through play. Acting out scenarios with toys or using storytelling can help them understand and practice handling emotions.
Try this:
Role-play with toys: “Teddy is sad because his friend took his toy. What can he do?”
Storytelling: Share stories of characters managing emotions (like Kai from Curious Little Critters Maths Adventure Series, who learns to handle anxiety in Flitter, Flutter, Jitters).
5. Offer Connection Before Correction
When children have meltdowns, our instinct may be to correct their behaviour immediately. But young children regulate through connection first.
Instead of saying, “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal,” try:
“I see you’re really upset. I’m here with you.”
“Would you like a hug?”
Once they’re calmer, help them find a solution: “That was really frustrating. What can we do next time?”
6. Show That Growth is a Journey (For Both of You!)
None of us will get this right 100% of the time, and that’s okay. The best way to teach a growth mindset around emotions is to embrace our own learning process.
Try this:
When you make a mistake, say: "Oops! I got too frustrated just now. I’ll try again next time."
If your child struggles with regulation, remind them: "You’re still learning, and that’s okay. Let’s keep practicing together!"
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to be a perfectly calm parent to raise an emotionally regulated child. What matters is showing up, trying again, and letting our children see that emotions—big and small—are something we can all learn to manage.
And remember, the more grace we give ourselves, the more grace we can give our little ones. Let’s grow together, one deep breath at a time.
